The Beautiful Chaos of Being.

A Journey of Healing. Re-connecting With Spirit. Connecting with Self. Connecting with Others.

I have fond and not so fond memories of  encounters—core memories that outline the evolution of my relationship with Spirit; with myself. A persistent presence, like a whisper in my soul, it sits with me through everything. Even in moments of rage, frustration, and confusion, in my feelings of  justification—we all navigate a world that only offers being, which inevitably is accompanied by chaos amongst other things. This is an open letter to me and the embracing of my chaos. I’m not here to address world issues of war and apparently unjust behavior but instead a more intimate expression of my personal reverence for God, Spirit, Mother, being in my today and yesterday.

God is here. Always. Spirit is here. My Ancestors are here. In my mind, body, heart, spirit. Source is steady. Watching me. Hovering over me and within me. Protecting me. Preparing me. 

I’ve come to embrace the divine resonance in the beautiful chaos of being. I am magnificent in my light and darkness—and I choose to acknowledge both. Radical self-awareness is uncomfortable, but necessary. And it’s a core part of emotional wellness, integration—sitting with my truth, unfiltered and unpolished, until I learn to love even the messy parts. I no longer wish to be a buttoned-up version of “acceptable.” I am whole. Fully “Rachel.” Nothing more, nothing less. 

To remember and meet myself with love, grace, reverence for where I am extended from has given me peace beyond my understanding. I am extended from Source.

This is healing, that I speak of. It requires peace—but not peace at the expense of my truth. So I ask myself: what does peace mean for me?

As a Black woman, I’ve experienced and witnessed how “safe spaces” invite us to “bring our full selves,” sometimes, only to punish our authenticity. The emotional toll of being both seen and unseen, of being expected to produce while navigating unspoken bias, is heavy. It chips away at your sense of worth if you’re not careful. And most of the time, the harm isn’t even intentional—it’s just inevitable. Still, I ask: Can the conscious mind become strong enough to make choices aligned with our deeper soul callings? With our purpose? or do our shortcomings and endless lessons lead us to all that we’ve been placed here to do? Or is it a combination of both? It’s for sure a complex web and dance of collaboration with Spirit, God, Source.  They willingly dance with my being. All of it!

Healing has taught me and is still teaching me that God is not distant. God is within. Healing begins with understanding that we are not separate from nature, we are nature. A reflection of God’s eye, alive and observing and witnessing. Being observed and witnessed. Manifestation is not just about what we want—it’s about how deeply we know ourselves. This is spiritual wellness: knowing who you are, allowing evolution, honoring your values, and staying grounded in what aligns with your purpose. It’s about being present. In our bodies. In our breath. In our joy. In our pain.

Spirituality expands beyond the texts we’re advised to read, beyond doctrine. I know I am a child of God because I see, I feel, and inner-stand. Spirit is alive in every area of my life—whether I am thriving or unraveling. God’s love does not require perfection. And neither should I.

To reveal the true essence of your spirit, you must change your mind. But that change doesn’t come overnight. It’s the result of years of reflection, seasons of plateau, periods of misalignment, tiny moments of clarity, and integration that are intentional and profound. Alignment isn’t always clean—it’s layered. Complex. Sometimes hard. Ongoing. But it’s also beautiful. 

I’ve learned that my “fruit” is not material. My fruit is how I show up in the world. How I feel in my body. How deeply I love. How present I am. How much grace I give—to myself, and to others. This is holistic health. This is mental health. This is the work of balancing all the dimensions of wellness: physical, emotional, spiritual, social, and beyond. 

When I was younger, heartbreak pulled me toward God. Feeling alone for not fully grasping the depth of this gift, I didn’t have the words for what I felt—but I knew I wasn’t alone. The covering I feel isn’t just imagined. It is real. And it is love. 

But even that relationship—my relationship with Spirit— relationship with inner-self, requires reciprocation. I have to show up too. I have to love myself, flaws and all, to be in alignment with Divine love. I have to listen to my intuition, which is the bright and dark voice of God living within me.

Balance is not about perfection. It’s about alignment—for me. Does it feed my strengths? Stretch my weaknesses? Provide for my growth?

That alignment is sacred. And it matters in every area of my life:

• How do I process pain, joy, loss, and transition? 

• Do I feel connected to something greater than myself? 

• Am I resting, nourishing, and honoring this vessel I’ve been given?

•  Does my work serve me—or just demand from me?

• Am I held in spaces that uplift and challenge me?

• Am I caring for my mind as tenderly as I care for others?

No one wants to walk around in pain. No one chooses trauma. So, I must be kind—to others and to myself. I must offer grace, especially to those who are vulnerable with me. I never know what burden someone is carrying. I never know when I might need someone to carry me.

And so, I ground myself.

I pause.

I breathe.

I stretch, slow my body, and say thank you. 

I feel my heart beating under my fingers. 

I remember that I am alive. 

That I am love. 

That I am worthy.

I close my eyes and think of my children, my family, my friends, my memories—and I feel it. 

The emotion. 

The gratitude. 

The healing.

Then, with a mirror of mines eye, I say aloud:

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Because there is so much beauty, humanity, love and chaos in my being, and I choose to honor it—all of it. 

In this moment, I invite you to honor all of you.